


Looking at the Stars

by emodaryl



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, PTSD, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pre-Relationship, Self-Harm, Smoking, daryl is very sad, happens during 7.14 ish, jesus is very sad, jesus talks about his back story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-08 05:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10379844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emodaryl/pseuds/emodaryl
Summary: Daryl is suffering from thoughts of his family, the saviors, and depression. Jesus is trying to work through his own problems stemming from his past. Maybe they can find that they had more in common than they thought. Set around the time of 7.14 both are at the Hilltop.





	1. Dinner

He’d seen the scars, the flinches at loud noises, the eyes that never quite made contact. Jesus had seen. Everytime he looked at Daryl his heart clenched painfully in his chest and a pit started to form in his stomach. Not just because he saw the once strong warrior get beat down by this world, but because he knew how hard he was trying to hide the pain. 

Jesus grew up in group home, and not a very nice one. So he knew what those scars meant, he’d seen the kids come in who had been rescued from homes like Daryl’s. He just wished that Daryl could have been one of those rescued kids, but from his severe PTSD he guessed that the end of the world was probably his first escape from the pain. And what an escape that turned out to be. 

So though he sat in his trailer eating with Maggie, Sasha, and Enid, his first real family in a long time, he could not quite let himself rest. He could not stand there and enjoy himself when just outside he could feel the pain and self loathing coming off of Daryl in waves. Sighing he grabbed a small plate and decided he had to at least try. 

Walking up behind Daryl as quietly as he could his heart sank even further into his chest as he saw him push a cigarette into the skin on his palm, joining many other half healed burns.

“Uhm, Daryl, hey I just thought, maybe, you uh would like some dinner?” He said as he tapped his shoulder gently. Daryl flinched away from his grasp and simply ducked his head lower, shielding his eyes and whatever tears where threatening to flow over there. Jesus stared at him, deciding that he could not go on living his life when someone was suffering so much. “Listen” he continued “I am just going to sit here with you for a little bit, maybe we can talk or something?” 

Daryl glanced up at him through his bangs as Jesus hopped on the table next to him. He was unsure what the scout wanted from him, but seeing as though he did save him he didn’t immediately run off. 

“You can’t run and hide from it forever you know, trust me I’ve tried.” Jesus said to him softly with a mirthless laugh. “I ain’t hiding from anything,” Daryl replied, but his voice lacked real conviction. They both sat in silence for a minute while Jesus looked over at him with a sad gleam in his eyes. Chewing on the skin around his thumb Daryl turned to Jesus again, “What do you have to run from anyway, seems like you guys have it all figured out” He gestured vaguely, sighing to himself, “Before I got involved that was.” 

Jesus leaned back on his elbows staring off to the stars for a moment before responding. “I think we might have a bit more in common than you would expect.” Tucking a piece of hair behind his ear he continued, “When I was a kid I lived in a group home, my parents they uhm died, car accident.” His voiced started to crack, “I was in the backseat fooling around, making noise, being stupid, my dad turned around to tell me to stop and buckle up and we crashed into a lake.” Daryl was looking at him fully now, eyes beginning to soften at the corners. “Anyway, took me a long time to stop blaming myself, took me even longer to trust someone again, in fact Maggie is the first person I’ve been friends with since then. I know she doesn’t blame you, but I know you blame yourself and you can’t; it will eat you alive Daryl. And I can’t have you getting eaten alive I need someone to teach me to ride a motorcycle.” He finished with a gentle nudge of Daryl’s shoulder. Although he could see his shoulders shaking with obvious emotion, he managed a weak scoff at the last line. 

Jesus felt like Daryl needed time to compose himself so he hopped off the table and dusted off his pants. “Come by my trailer tomorrow morning, I’ve got a special job for you around the Hilltop.” Daryl looked up at him, for the first time he had something other than crushing sadness in his eyes. He simply nodded softly.


	2. The Cow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl's New Job

Daryl had been staring at the ceiling in his trailer for hours, waiting for the light to finally peak over the horizon so it would be acceptable for him to get up and move about. His first few nights at the hilltop he would wander around at night and try to keep himself busy, since sleep was definitely not an option. However, there were always too many questions, too many people asking him what he was doing, Maggie’s worried eyes following him from inside her trailer. So, now he simply sits and stares. He was assigned a trailer with someone named Dante, he’d seemed nice enough for the half-day that he was there. Then he went on a long supply run and Daryl hadn’t seen him since, he assumed he would be back in the next two weeks. Sighing he rolled out of bed and rubbed his tired eyes; another day in paradise. 

Unlike every other day here at the Hilltop where Daryl had sat miserably outside his trailer chain smoking cigarettes and sharpening his knife at least he maybe had something to contribute today, he hoped. Because that was the worst part about being here, not that he was away from his family, or that he couldn’t sleep or move without seeing Negan’s laughing face. It was that he was a useless burden on everyone around him. Hilltop had some ridiculous rule about not allowing anyone outside the gates alone, so hunting was out of the option since he sure as hell didn’t have anyone to take with him. At one point he had even considered seeing if Enid wanted to learn to hunt just to give him something to do, one look at her helping Maggie around 24/7 had squashed that idea though. But today, well maybe today he could finally do something, anything to help out. He got out of bed and threw on a navy sleeveless button-up and wandered into the kitchen to see if he had anything to eat. 

While he sat trying to choke down the oatmeal Sasha had dropped off yesterday, Daryl thought about what Jesus had told him yesterday. Guy was definitely tougher than he looked, Daryl knew about group homes and the kinds of kids that lived there. It was not a place where you could survive easily, there was always an older kid pushing you down, stealing your belongings, beating you up, and worse. His stomach clenched at the thought, reminding him of what Beth said to him so long ago about some people just being made for this world. Maybe Jesus was another one who had been built for the ugly world. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jesus was sitting on the couch in his trailer, laughing along with Maggie at a story Enid was telling about some adventure her and Carl had gotten into in the woods outside Alexandria, when he glanced up and saw Daryl walking over. He has his crossbow strung over his shoulder, head down, he walked over carefully as if he was not completely sure what he was doing here. Jesus had honestly not been sure Daryl would show, but he had been hopeful, it seemed like maybe giving him a job would ease some of the pressure on his mind. Jumping up he stood by the door and gave him a wave, “Hey! Let’s go, I have a big present for you” he said with a cheeky grin. 

Daryl looked up at him unsure what this man could have possibly gotten for him as a present, hell he’d never gotten a present in his entire life. He fingered the strap on his crossbow nervously, and followed Jesus across the main courtyard. Every few steps they stopped and someone would come up to Jesus with some demand or request from him. “Jesus, I need a new generator for my trailer, I have been asking for months” “When are you going to bring back some pasta, we have had no past for so long” “Grab me a pair of size 11 sneakers next time you’re out there, won’t you?” Daryl looked at the younger man in shock as he graciously nodded and said he would take care of it as soon as he could. 

“Why you let them treat you like that?” He blurted out before he could stop himself. Jesus turned around his smile faltering just a bit, “I don’t understand what you mean” he replied carefully.   
“These people,” Daryl started not sure why he was so angry all of a sudden, “Demanding things, yelling treating you like you’re the personal hilltop slave or somethin’”. Jesus just sort of gave a shrug, unsure how to reply. He looked up thankful that he was saved from answering Daryl’s question, “We’re here!” He clapped his hands pointed to the ‘gift’. 

“What the fuck man” Daryl said letting out a chuckle for the first time in a very very long time. For standing in front of them in a little pen with a bright red bow tied around it’s neck was a cow. “Listen, I said if you took out that Savior group I’d get you a cow, sorry I am a little bit late on the delivery but here she is.” He grabbed Daryl’s hand, who was still in too much shock to pull away, and dragged him forward until he was petting the creatures back. “I can teach you how to milk it and stuff and she’s a really good listener I come to her with all my problems, I also named her Myrtle but you can change it if you want.” Jesus was talking so fast and excitedly Daryl was shocked he could even understand what he was saying. 

“Man you’re crazy,” Daryl looked down at the cow though, his throat suddenly very tight and he did not know why. But this was something nice, something he could take care of, and Jesus gave it to him for no reason other than he was being a good guy. He glanced back up at him and gave Jesus a light pat on his shoulder, “Thanks though, seriously. Now show me how to milk this thing, and think of a better name than Myrtle sounds a little bit too much like Merle for me to be down there grabbing its udder’s”. 

Jesus’s eyebrows quirked at the mention of Merle, but he didn’t ask who he was just dropped to his knees and began to show Daryl the fine art of cow caretaking. After he was done he gave him a wave and as we was walking away he called out “You and me, tonight, bring your motorcycle you owe me at least 2 lessons” Daryl shook his head with a grin and said “Yeah yeah whatever.” 

He turned back to the cow and gently rested his head on her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I decided to do a new chapter anyway bc I am bored!! please tell me if I should continue or just give up idrk it's kind of fun to write though tbh anyway yay hit me on tumblr
> 
> jesus-daryl.tumblr.com


	3. The Bike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl fulfills his promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There is referenced past sexual abuse, I do not go into explicit details.

It had been a good day, the first good day in a long time, in fact. Daryl was now sitting on the fence around the cows pen, smoking a cigarette and enjoying the sunshine. This place was peaceful in it’s own way, he supposed. Sure, he still needed to get out there, he needed to go kill Negan and Dwight and every person who ever laid a hand on him or his family. But maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to just be for a minute, to enjoy the small pleasures while they were there. His mind wandered as he watched the cow, he thought of Merle for the first time in what seemed like forever. How he was always out for the next high, the next adventure, dragging Daryl along willing or not. He mostly pushed him into situations he did not want to be in, like doing drugs and fucking girls, sleeping in random places where people pushed and shoved and hurt him. A series of images flashed in front of Daryl’s eyes, low lights and loud music, shrieks and screams, his past blending with his memories of the sanctuary. He shuddered slightly and sighed, taking a long drag out of his smoke. At least if Merle was here he wouldn’t have let him sulk around like had been, like a child throwing a tantrum.

_Get up Darylina, you just guna slump around here like some piece of shit freeloader while everyone else does the heavy lifting. You know Dixon’s don’t rely on anyone for anything_. The voice made an unwelcome return to his mind, but it gave him the push to get up off the fence and dust off his pants. He patted the cow gently and gave it some more food and water before walking back to his trailer. He had already give the milk to the kitchens and they seemed shocked and supremely grateful for the gesture, a response that made Daryl so uncomfortable he turned and bolted, making a note to get Enid to deliver the milk next time.

Back at his trailer Daryl could tell that he smelled horribly like a cow, and although he was usually not one to care about his personal cleanliness cow manure is a ripe smell for anyone to deal with. Sighing, he dragged himself into the tiny shower that spit ice cold water out on him and rinsed off with his soap. Getting out he looked at himself in the mirror, his face still looked gaunt and haunted, but there was not much to do about that anymore. He threw on a pair of ripped brown pants and a navy longsleeve, before dropping onto his couch. Was he really going to go teach that ninja how to ride a motorcycle? He couldn’t even tell if the guy was just trying to fuck with him or if he really wanted to know. Daryl groaned to himself annoyed at how his stomach twinged when he thought of the younger man, obviously the guy was just being his freak nice self, Daryl had seen how he had acted to everyone else in the community doing everything he could to make them happy. In fact the more he thought of it Maggie probably put him up to this entire thing to try and drag him back to life even though he didn’t deserve it. Nice, attractive men like Paul didn’t like people like me, he thought. The only people who have ever wanted Daryl have been mean, pushing, and taking what they wanted before shoving him off with nothing more than a slap or two if he was lucky. If he was unlucky they invited their friends to take a turn with him pushing him around and doing whatever other things they wanted. While shouting slurs and laughing at the weak Dixon. No, of course Paul would never in a million years want anything to do with him if he had any idea what he was. Also the guy probably wasn’t even gay. ‘UGh!’ Daryl grunted, standing up and tossing the nearest object (a book) against the wall. He hated thinking about the past, hated thinking about his feelings like he was some weak person. Squashing any feelings in his stomach, he grabbed the keys to his bike and stormed out of the trailer, he did promise the guy he would teach him after all.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jesus had been waiting excitedly on the steps of his trailer for 20 minutes, dressed in his leather coat, vest, hat, and gloves he was more than ready for his absolutely not a date with Daryl Dixon. But he couldn’t deny that even just the thought of spending some time with the attractive older man made him excited. Especially after seeing his eyes light up earlier today, he thought maybe, just maybe, he had cracked a bit into his hard shell. A feat he thought would be impossible for a long time. He looked up and saw Daryl pushing the bike over to him, he looked even clean? If that was possible.

“Hey! How’s my girl Myrtle doing? Kitchens were very happy I hear about the milk turn out today.” He called when Daryl was close enough.  
“Thought I said I wasn’t calling that damn thing Myrtle,” Daryl replied with no menace.  
“Ah you’re correct, my apologies, what am I supposed to call her then if I may ask?” Jesus replied trying to stifle the laughter that seemed to be bubbling up for no reason. Daryl looked down at his bike fingers running over the handle, “I’ve been calling her Moo, if ya gotta know.” At this point Jesus let out a loud laugh and Daryl looked up sharply defense in his eyes. “I am so sorry, I don’t know where that came from,” Jesus said quickly still chuckling, “I think that’s a wonderful name, much better than Myrtle.”

“Fuck off ya prick, let’s go if you really wanna learn this,” Daryl said hopping on his bike and gesturing for Jesus to slide in behind. “Oh uhm, we are leaving Hilltop?” He said stomach flipping at the thought of getting on the bike behind Daryl. “Unless you wanna wipe out in front of all these people and take out half the crops with you then ya, what you afraid of outside the walls all of the sudden, ninja?” Jesus just shook his head and hopped on, remembering from last time that not holding on tightly to Daryl’s back was not an option here. “Let’s go then Sensei”

They received more than a few questioning looks as the drive out towards the gate, Kal in particular looked like he was not going to let them through, shooting furtive glances towards Barrington House. But, at last they were out and on the open road. “Where are we going?” Jesus shouted hair whipping in his face. Daryl nodded his head forward and said “You’ll see, just a little bit further.” After about 10 minutes they slowed to a park-n-ride, long abandoned with plenty of wide open space for practice. Daryl let down the kickstand and hopped off, indicating that Jesus should scoot forward to the main seat.

“Okay, so I’ll just show you the basic parts, and we can get going” Daryl started as he pointed out where the clutch was, showing him how to use the throttle and the brakes. “Okay so slowly, slowly let out the clutch, be careful then pull back on the throttle, make sure she doesn’t stall, and start inching forward. Don’t be to aggressive on the steering it’s harder that way” Daryl said. This was possibly the most animated Jesus had ever heard him speak, this was clearly his element more than anywhere else.

Feeling confident with himself Jesus turned to the bike and went to release the clutch while pulling the throttle, per Daryl’s instructions. However, it was not as easy as the older man made it seem and the bike bucked forward way to fast and skid to the side. Just before Jesus could become a smear of mush across the pavement, Daryl reached forward and grabbed him under the arms pulling him towards him so he landed on his back on the pavement with Jesus on top of him. Paul laid there for a minute while his heartbeat through his chest, until his brain turned back on and he realized he was laying on top of Daryl holding his wrist with a death grip. He immediately jumped up and turned around offering a hand to help up Daryl. His face had turned bright red and he was breathing heavily, suddenly feeling very sick. “Daryl, oh my god, I am so sorry, I am such an idiot, I can’t believe I am that stupid,” He started to shake slightly looking down at Daryl, sure that he was furious for maybe breaking his bike and being so dumb. How could he have done that. Daryl looked up at him, slight confusion in his eyes, he waved him off and pushed himself up, trying not to note Paul’s bright watering eyes and breathlessness. “Yeah, so uhm not quite right, but it’s no big deal man,” Daryl managed to grunt out, as he walked over to assess the bike, no damage thankfully.

Paul let out a nervous laugh, thinking surely this was the end of his motorcycle lessons, and kicking himself. However, Daryl simply stood up the bike and pushed it over, tapping the seat “Again,” he said. Daryl’s stomach tightened even more when he was the shocked expression of joy on Jesus’s face at his words.

A few close calls, and a many actual minutes of riding the bike later it was time to go home. “Can I drive us back?” Jesus inquired with a wicked grin, “Not a chance, prick,” Daryl replied pushing him back “You risk your own life driving this, I ain’t getting on behind you.” Jesus could not resist himself when he replied with a wink “All is well, I usually prefer being behind anyways.” Daryl’s face twisted into an expression Jesus could not discern and he pushed off driving them home.

 

When they arrived at the Hilltop Jesus hopped off and turned to thank Daryl, just as Gregory stormed out of the house screaming. He grabbed Jesus’s arm roughly “What in the HELL were you thinking Jesus? Going out with that that man-beast, you could have been killed. Who would being doing supply runs and getting stuff for the Savior's if you died. Did you even think about that? Of course not you were only thinking of yourself as usual.” Jesus looked down, ashamed, of course he was right this was stupid, how could he have been so dumb, they needed him to do work here, earn his place. He didn’t need to be going out with Daryl. Gregory leaned in close to Jesus’s ear and whispered “Why don’t we go talk in private, get this taken care of.” Daryl who had been sitting on his bike looking down, embarrassed that he had dragged Paul out of the gates and gotten him in trouble, stiffen at the last line.

_He was sitting in his ‘room’ in the trailer, little more than a closet with a bare mattress shoved against the wall. He nervously listened out the door crack, praying for silence. He heard soft snores, cracking open the door slightly he saw beer cans littered everywhere, and on the couch his Pa, fast asleep. Letting out a quick sigh of relief, he slipped out of his room and into the kitchen, praying for something to eat, it had been almost a full day since he had. Just as he entered the kitchen though he stopped, turning to see if he could back up in time. “Ah Daryl, my boy, I was wondering where you had gotten too,” his dad friend called to him softly, but Daryl knew he was anything but a soft person. “Come over here” he said as he advanced at Daryl, “Uhm no I, I was just leaving actually, have somewhere to be” Daryl stuttered out, turning around, he saw his Pa on the couch beginning to rustle, shit he had nowhere to run. “Now, now boy, is that how your Daddy taught you to treat a guest” the man said dragging a hand through Daryl’s hair and reaching downwards. “Why don’t we go talk in private, get this taken care of.”_

Daryl jumped of the bike, shuddering from the memory that had flashed through his eyes. He grabbed Gregory by the neck of his shirt and punch him in the face, again and again and again.


	4. The Woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kind of short! Next chapter things will get juicy :)

Eyes blind with rage, Daryl did not even notice when he was shoved to the ground. He looked up ready to throw another punch, but stopped short when he saw it was Jesus straddling his body, one hand pressed down on his chest, the other pinning his arm to the ground. Daryl exhaled heavily, blinking away the tears suddenly bubbling up to his eyes, his face reddening with embarrassment. He turned his head to the side trying to avoid looking at the man above him, whose face was an unreadable canvas. Jesus stood up, slowly, and backed away. He glanced towards the large crowd of people and began speaking, but Daryl couldn’t make out the words, the blood rushing through his ears was the only noise he could comprehend. Scrambling up quickly Daryl turned and ran out the front gate as fast as he could, this time no one stopped to enforce the two-person rule, no one cared. 

He kept moving, dodging through the woods, no direction in particular in mind, just trying to get away from his own mind if he could. But, of course, he never could escape his own thoughts, not before and definitely not now. So he found himself sitting on a rock at the edge of some lake, smoking a cigarette and rubbing at his bloody fists, thinking about how he always manages to fuck everything up. He didn’t even know why he did it, I mean sure Gregory had it coming guy was a dick, but he just, just lost it. Those words, the memories flooding in, Jesus standing there just taking it, like he wasn’t the reason everyone in this group was alive. But still… He hadn’t helped, his mind kept flashing back to Jesus pushing him to the ground the look on his face, probably fear now that Daryl thinks about it. Just another person scared of unstable, redneck, white trash, Daryl, he wasn’t even surprised of course Jesus was horrified. He had snapped out of nowhere, God why did he have to be like this, just when he thought maybe him and the ninja could be friends. Daryl pushed his fists into his eyes groaning at how stupid he was. 

After sitting there for the good part of an hour, Daryl finished his last cigarette and pushed himself up, across the lake he could see a small house, that will have to do for now. He could obviously never go back to the Hilltop, not that he had anything there he needed anyway, he had his crossbow with him now. He did wish that maybe he had his bike and he was just getting used to his new cow, but whatever he had suffered through worse. Faces flashed before his eyes as he stormed away Maggie, Sasha, Enid, even Jesus. He pushed them away from his mind, they probably expected as much from him anyway, it was just Daryl finally cracking, showing his true colors and beating a man half to death in front of everyone. 

Daryl lazily killed two walkers coming towards him, just as it started to rain. He pushed into the cabin, a quick check of the small kitchen yielded a bottle of Jack which he quickly started taking pulls from, flopping onto the small couch and closing his eyes, drifting right into an uneasy sleep.

Daryl woke with a start a few hours later, not sure if he was having a nightmare or if something had woken him. Standing up quietly he grabbed his crossbow and stalked to a window. That’s when he heard it, “HELP, HELP!” a voice called out “Ah FUCK, Daryl, anyone, fuck ahghad.” The voice was muffled and faded out, but Daryl was already running out the door as fast as he could, not even bothering to put on his shoes.


End file.
